I'm not going to comment on Kevin Spacey as an individual; that's his cross to bear. I've never been a fan of his work, and his "apology" was completely insincere.

Your discussion on "gay shame" within society is much more thought-provoking than any debate over Spacey's morality (or lack thereof). I went through the stages you listed; but I got through them very quickly, compared to many gay men: approximately from the ages of 12 through 17, for me. By the end of my junior year of high school, I made the decision to no longer deny my authentic self.

Granted, I've struggled immensely with romance/intimacy as an adult...but that is largely due to the intersection of my homosexuality and my disability (social anxiety). I'm confident in my identity; where I still struggle is in the realm of how to enjoy it.

Nonetheless, consent should be a no-brainer for everyone. We also need to be teaching it to kids from a very young age in gender-inclusive ways -- not these heteronormative concepts of "chivalry" that even some on the Left continue to cling to with more than just a stench of cognitive dissonance.