I've heard all of these things said, too. Obviously, not with the frequency throughout daily life that you have. I'm in agreement with you -- that they are clearly trying to gaslight you, and they are wrong.

I do have a sincere question. You raise the point that we should refrain from saying things that we know a specific individual will find to be hurtful or harmful. So then how do we even BEGIN to compartmentalize our language, collectively, to account for the endless variations and permutations of words and phrases that various people may find offensive?